The Mating Game
Finding the perfect mate for the long haul
(title sequence)
(canned applause, fade in)
Host: G’day mates and welcome to another night of family fun! You’re watching none other than the best game show on television, The Mating Game! (canned applause).
Host: Hello and thank you for tuning in. My name is Kev and I’m your host. Our contestant tonight hails from Truckee, California - a small ski town set high up in the mountains of Northern California. No need to check your ears folks! Yes, I did say “ski” and “California” in the same breath (canned laughter). I guess it’s not all palm trees, sunny beaches, and roller skates in California after all! (canned laughter).
Host: Our guest, Jay Parker, calls himself a “minimalist ultralight traveler.” He’s had trouble trying to find the perfect mate so he decided to give us a call. Come on out, Jay! (Jay enters stage left, stands at podium). G’day mate! Welcome to the show!
Jay: A “g’day mate” to you too. Thank you so much. So glad to be here.
Host: Tell us a little about yourself, Jay (Jay describes himself).
Host: Well, good luck to you, mate. Are you ready to play? (Jay nods). I think you know how this goes. We’ve got three contestants over there behind the curtain. You can’t see them and they can’t see you. You may ask each contestant up to three questions. Choose wisely though. At the end, you must pick from one of them to accompany you on an all expenses paid three week trip to anywhere you choose! (canned applause).
Jay: So exciting!
Host: Yes! The excitement never stops here on The Mating Game. Let’s play, mate! (canned applause).
Jay: Alright. This question is for all three contestants. In a few words, please describe yourself in a way that would entice me to pick you for this vacation.
Contestant 1: Well, most people have described me as being “warm” I guess. They usually wanna spend more time with me once they get to know me a bit better. Most people would say that I’m “soft and cuddly.”
Contestant 2: I’m just a low maintenance, down-to-earth, basic kinda thing, I guess. Yeah. What I mean is that I’m thinly veiled. What you see is what you get. I’m not all “soft and cuddly” like Contestant 1. That is, unless you get me together with some others, then yeah, I can warm up a bit.
Contestant 3: Hi, Jay! Those other contestants all sound too fussy to me! Trust me, I’m your all around best choice. I’d be pretty much up for anything. I like high adventure, and some people would say I’m just “well-built.” People would probably also say I’m “sturdy.”
Jay: OK, thank you all.
Jay: Alright, next question. What are some of your best attributes?
Contestant 1: Well, I guess it would be that I’m kind of like a circus car. When we set out on that vacation that you’re oh-so-going-to-take-me-on, you might at first think that I look so small and meek but there’s really so much more to me than what first meets the eye! It’ll be like KA-BAM! We’ll get there and you’ll think “this is perfect, I couldn’t have made a better choice!”
Contestant 2: As for me, at the risk of sounding boring, you’ll instantly know what I’m all about. Unlike Contestant 1, I’m no circus car. I’m just not all that complex. I don’t hide anything. Whatever’s bubbling up under the surface is there for all to see. That’s a nightmare for some, but for others, they love my basic simplicities.
Contestant 3: I’m not picky! I just love it all! I’ll never let you down. You name it, I’ll be there! I’m also super helpful. I will be your faithful companion who’s always got your back.
Jay: Wow, can’t I just take all three of you!? (canned laughter). Hmmmm…ok…last question.
Jay: What are some of your worst traits? I know that’s kind of difficult to answer, but I’m looking for some honesty here.
Contestant 1: I shirk away from anything having to do with water. I hate it so much! Swimming? Out of the question! Lying on the beach? No way. Vacations to tropical climates? To be honest, I’m not your best choice for any of those places. I guess my favorite vacations would have to be in dry deserts or cold snowy places.
Contestant 2: A downside? I guess I’m a bit “thin walled,” kind of like a fragile shell. A bit boring too. Sometimes you might even forget I’m there with you. Ugh, that all sounds so bad! But trust me! I think you’ll actually really like me. And I’d be up for almost anything. I don’t like the thought of Alaska though...that’d be way too cold for me.
Contestant 3: Well, unlike Contestant 2, you’ll know for sure that I’m there! I’m really hard to ignore! I guess some people might get tired of me. They’d probably say “I take up too much space” or that I can be “a bit heavy.” That’s just because I like to be prepared for anything that might come our way - good or bad. But if you’re looking for “light and easy,” that’s just not me.
Host: OK! That’s three questions, Jay. Are you ready to pick your mate? I never said this was going to be easy! You’ve got 88 seconds on the clock to make your choice…(clock starts ticking).
Jay: Well, honestly, they’ve all got great attributes. But they also have their own unique drawbacks. Just one, huh? Oh boy. I think I’ve got a pretty good mental picture in my head of all three. Let’s see how good of a guesser I am.
Jay: Contestant 1 must be a down jacket. Light, compressible, super warm, soft, fluffy, cozy - all things that sound so great here on the show, but I know that it wouldn’t do well in the rain. Down feathers do horribly in wet weather! They start clumping together and losing all their warmth. Too bad. Because the size and weight to warmth ratios are so darn good! Down jackets pack up so small and hardly weigh a thing. But “just add water” and they’re useless.
Jay: I’ve got to believe that Contestant 2 is a lightweight waterproof breathable shell. A super small and packable outer layer that easily folds up into a tiny little pouch. But it’d be pretty basic and wouldn’t have any cool stash pockets, pull cords, or any other bells and whistles that’d make it a bit more interesting to take on a trip. “Bare bones” would be a good way to describe it. I bet it’s thin too with barely any insulation underneath.
Jay: Contestant 3 sounds like a mountaineering jacket. It’s probably got lots of cool features with big pockets and tons of zippers to aid in ventilation. There’d also be ways to batten down the hatches in burly conditions. It’d be waterproof and breathable. And, yeah, I guess I’d agree that it’d be up for almost anything. I bet it’d be super heavy though and it wouldn’t even come close to packing down in size like Contestants 1 and 2.
Host: All very interesting, Jay, but you’ve got to make a choice here. What’s it going to be?
Jay: OK, I think I’ve made up my mind (long pregnant pause for dramatic effect)…
Jay: It’s going to have to be Contestant 2!
Host: Contestant 2 please draw your curtains! (canned applause)
Host: Well you’ve guessed right, mate! You’ve picked an ultralight 3-ply waterproof breathable shell for the winning vacation! (canned applause) Congratulations to you both!
Host: Now let’s reveal our other two contestants.
Host: Contestant 1, please draw your curtains! And, yes, it’s a down jacket!
Host: Now for Contestant Number 3. Please draw your curtains! And he guesses right again - it’s a mountaineering jacket! (canned applause)
Host: Thank you Contestants 1 and 3. You’ll now be shown backstage. Contestant 2, please stay with us while Jay explains why he chose you to be the lucky winner.
Jay: Hi, Contestant 2! I’m so much looking forward to spending time together.
Contestant 2: Me too! I’m so stoked! (canned applause)
Jay: I guess it all came down to how tiny a shell is. It packs up to be super light and small. I really do like the feature that I might even forget it’s there. Under the hood, it’s great, and I love its vibrant blue tones. I’ll take “a bit boring” over “taking up space” any day. I just went through a long “just-taking-up-space-thing” with a black synthetic jacket I took overseas in the winter. Besides wanting lots of attention and always getting in the way, it also ended up being a bit too cold for my liking.
Jay: Yeah, it ended up being just too much. You see, wearing an insulating fleece layer underneath, I really don’t need anything too warm for my outermost layer. Just waterproof and breathable, that’s all. Also, when used alone without insulating layers, it’d work just great as a simple rain jacket and windbreak. A thin shell should be perfect!
Host: Well, congratulations to you both! It sounds like you’re a good fit for each other and that you’ve found your true mates for ultralight minimalist travels! We are so glad that you both joined us tonight. Thank you! (canned applause).
Host: And with that, a big thank you goes out to all of you too, our wonderful studio audience and all of you at home! Until next time, cheerio mates!
(canned applause)
(zoom out)
(fade out)
Well done!